Age of Marvels & New Dawn Wikia

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Publisher: Age of Marvels
Line: Archive
Status: Concluded


Note: This title was set in the original AOM continuity, prior to the reset of the CBR forums in April of 2014 and the AOM reboot.

Writer: Patton Oswalt
Artist: Joe Quinones
Location: Where death needs denying
Concept: He’s out of his mind so get out of his way, here comes Deapool!
 1. Deadpool
Supporting: Painkiller Jane, Blackheath, Century, Death's Head, US Agent
Antagonists: Axeman Bone, Mimic, Klaw, Zapata Brothers


Written by
"The Hunter Games" (Part 1 of the Sensational Teen Romance Trilogy)
Do you know how much it pays to be a freelance super hero do-gooder? I'll tell you, Zilch! Unless you count creepy nude fan letters. In which case, I am still broke. Unlike that unappreciative sexting  blocker Captain America. 
Cap, it's me buddy. Open that attachment already. NSFA*
Anyhoo, so I need some scratch (these red tights don't wash themselves you know) and luckily I checked my P.O. Box for this year's mail and lo and behold (or is it "low and behold"?  I'll wait if you want to google that...) I find my quarterly S.A.S.S.Y. bulletin. 
S.A.S.S.Y. = Super Assassin Secret Society Yearly. Like you didn't know. Worst "secret" society since the Masons. First Rule of S.A.S.S.Y. = Tell everyone about S.A.S.S.Y. 
I guess you wonder what the bulletin says. Well allow me.
$1,000,000 Prize Money. Winner take all.
Target goes by the name
The Beyonder (and sometimes just plain "Frank")[/i]
Easy squeezie lemon peezie. So I call the hotline and see who else has registered. Always check your competition. My favorite strategy is to let them do the legwork and lead you to the prize. Save on expenses. So who is going to be this time?
Registered Hunters
-never heard of him-
The Zapata Brothers
-some nobody-
Death's Head
Painkiller Jane
-perpetual loser-
-this guy couldn't catch a cold, let alone kill one-
Wade Wilson (notice: annual dues unpaid!)
[*]Who the #%*! is Lobo?
The Epic Trilogy continues next month teenie poppers and arrested developers!
 *Not Safe For Avengers
32 PGs./Rated T+...$2.99

"The Hunter Games, Part II: Scratching Flies"
[*]Recap: S.A.S.S.Y. (Super Assassin Secret Society Yearly) is holding a $1Million dollar bounty contest for the first hunter to bring in some dude with a perm who calls himself "The Beyonder" and sports a shiny unzipped jacket with shoulder pads. My intuition tells me the fashion industry is shaking in their pleather boots and footing the bill on this one. Also, I have teamed up with two of my rivals to share information and bar tabs. A big fella from space with horns and a knack for ending sentences with question marks named Death's Head. Don't let that fool you, he's a real sweetheart. And my ex-imaginary girlfriend, Painkiller Jane. Ever since she dropped that restraining order, things between us have been looking up. 
[*]Oh yeah, and there is a mystery contestant in this hunt, a wildcard outsider that nobody has heard of before. His reputation rivals only my own in repugnancy. A mangy dog called Lobo. And he seems to be one step ahead of us.
[*]Plus, Captain America still hasn't texted me back. Anyone have his email?
[*]In this exciting issue: The Deadly Trinity (that's what we're calling ourselves. You can pick up our official tee shirt at I designed it myself, despite any similarities to that Van Halen album cover) closes in on the Beyonder's location. There is a run in with the Zapato Bros. that involves a super-powered barroom brawl and one flying burrito. Literally. No lie, as ridiculous as it sounds, that $#*+ really happened! And we finally meet Lobo. And my Odin does he reek, yes?!? Crap, now I'm doing it. 
[*]Anyways, buy this issue. See me embark in scintillating and intellectually stimulating conversation with my friends. Witness me overcome all obstacles to defeat the dastardly villain, rescue the girl and save the world just like Cap would. Then buy our tee-shirt. We have to pay for damages to that bar we talked about earlier.
32 PGs./Rated T+...$2.99

 "The Hunter Games, Part III: Mockingyou" (The Final Chapter of the Teen Romance Trilogy That You’ve Been Shrieking For!!!)
• Quick & Dirty Recap: S.A.S.S.Y. (Super Assassin Secret Society Yearly) has placed a ONE MILLION DOLLAR bounty on some hombre that calls himself “the Beyonder.” Easy score for yours truly, you say? Well, you’d be right if it wasn’t for the fact that there’s a bunch of other bounty-hunter types that all want that cash as bad as I do, and of course they all have unique backgrounds that conveniently tie them into a form of ass-kicking. Last issue saw the formation of this year’s “it” super-team, the Deadly Trinity – that’s moi, my facebook stalker Painkiller Jane, and a guy who I could have sworn was actually Optimus Prime after he replaced the late Jeff Hanneman as the lead guitarist in Slayer but that it turns out is actually some freak named Death’s Head.
• The thing is, it just wasn’t working out. I was always the star of the team, and stars gotta shine. A million dollars just ain’t what it used to be when Liefeld was drawing me, what with inflation and all, so a three-way split just wasn’t going to cut the mustard. A little betrayal to trim the fat, and it’ll put me into a position to bag and tag the target, which brings us to…
 • NOW! And… not so much with the bagging and tagging. Turns out, this Beyonder guy is, like, crazy powerful (I probably should have checked his Wikipedia page). He’s also crazy crazy, because the real twist is that he took the bounty out on himself just to get us hunters all hot and bothered! It worked because I’m pretty sure Death’s Head has officially removed me from his Christmas Card List.
• Transported against my will to a planet in a galaxy far, far away for immoral purposes (a clear violation of Mann Act of 1910, you judicial scholars), I’m getting absolutely no cellular reception. More bars anywhere my ass… And get this: the place is called “Battleworld.” Guess what happens here? No, not soft, sensual kissing. That’s what I thought at first, but counterintuitively it’s all about battles.
• So, you’ve got a not-so-happy reunion of the Deadly Trinity, you’ve got the Zapata Brothers and their spicy Latin intensity, you’ve got a bunch of red-shirted mooks, and you’ve got a smelly albino biker named Lobo trapped on this planet in an every man for himself, sort of a Hunger Games, Battle Royale thingy… and the Beyonder’s about to ring the opening bell. It’s going to take all of my considerable skills to survive this, and it’s going to take all of your considerable two dollars and ninety-nine cents to buy the issue and reaffirm your own virile masculinity (seriously, just rub the issue all over you. It works like axe body spray).
• Also, someone text Wolverine and ask him to feed my fish. I might be here awhile…
32 PGs./Rated T+ $2.99

“Super Secret Wars”
• ZOMG Lobo is DEAD!!! Wait, wait, get a hold of yourself, Wilson! These esteemed potential customers need a recap before jumping into the shocking twists.
• So, last ish this cosmic Jheri curl named “THE BEYONDER” suckered yours truly and a bunch of other bounty-hunting types onto his private planet (He said he had candy). A man of distinguished tastes, the Beyonder didn’t just grab an assortment of mooks, though there be mooks aplenty. He grabbed the best of the best. CMLL tag team champs the Zapata Brothers, my on-again-in-my-mind, off-again-in-reality love interest Painkiller Jane, Megatr- err, Death’s Head, and, intellectual property rights be damned, Lobo! Now, the Beyonder expects us all to fight to the death because… ummm… I’m going to say because Age of Marvels needs to sell toys (Speaking of which, pick up my exclusive fun-sized vehicle, the Carpool! Fits five of your AOM figures comfortably and includes a spring loaded passenger side ejection seat for when 3.75" Deadpool needs more room for drive-through chimichangas)!
• NOW! By gawd it’s a slobber-knocker! Don’t worry though, the coolest peeps here have a healing factor. So we’re not really in any… oww, this shrapnel wound stings and is definitely going to leave a stain. Why is it not… Oh crap, something on this planet is negating healing factors!
• You know how someone always dies to show how serious the situation is? Well, check my first bullet point. It wasn’t in vein though. On his way out, Lobo actually managed to save the Zapatas, such was his love of lucha libre. Good night, sweet prince. In another life, we could have been total bros. May you find your reboot in the New Dawn Universe!
• So yeah, he’s dead, but I ain’t! At least, not yet. I’ve got to fight my way to the Beyonder and try and convince the guy, who has the power to wear all-white in the middle of winter, to cease this madness before I get seriously hurt. Get ready for the greatest battle on Battleworld - a Battle of Wits! And one of us is unarmed…
• Plus, three exclusive Scratch-and-Sniff pages (including Lobo corpse!)!!! Buy it now!
32 PGs./Rated T+ $2.99

 Plot by EXCITER
 "To Infinity… And Even More Further!”
• A short time ago (about a month) in a galaxy far, far away…. I convinced the Beyonder to sign the treaty that ended his Secret War (suck it Versailles!). Minor problem: the guy poofed away after learning his valuable lesson and left the survivors stranded on Battleworld!
• NOW! Moi, my achy-breaky heart Painkiller Jane, the half-merc, half-luchador Zapata Brothers, and giant Commodore-64 Death’s Head are looking for a way back home. As luck would have it, the Beyonder cobbled Battleworld together from a smattering of different planets and realities. After finding a bunch of worthless crap (WTF is a samoflange?), we eventually stumble upon an abandoned old hunk of junk that just so happens to closely resemble the Millennium Falcon (Go, Corporate Synergy! CEO Bob Iger is totally going to notice me now!). A little elbow grease from experienced world-hopper Death’s Head (In this situation, he was definitely the droid I was looking for), and we’re off into the wild black yonder!
• What you probably don’t know is that space totally sucks! It’s mostly empty and boring and I’ve got no access to Netflix, so it’s not like I can marathon “The Golden Girls” to kill time.
• FINALLY big DH manages to steer us into a space station called Knowhere, which is really this gigundous severed Celestial head (I know, totally cray). Jane is clearly uncomfortable with all the aliens and crap – I think it’s her first time off world (Was I ever so young?). Can’t say I really blame her though. We humans are really just looking to get Earth dirt under our feet again, but DH is farting around and ends up securing us a job.
• So, major detour. Our merry band of bounty hunters (which needs a catchy name… hum… is “Starjammers” still taken? How about “Face Invaders”? I’ll keep workshopping it) have a bad guy to bring in. He goes by the name Johhny Eyeballs. He’s a Mafioso and a Grey Alien (I probably won’t be anal probing him (probably…)). He’s an influential space goomba with a ton of alien mooks at his disposal (at least 50 shades of Greys). The real trouble, however, is the fact that it’s an open contract and we’ve got some stiff competition. This one guy looks the toughest. Familiar helmet, jetpack… could it be… no way… it can’t be the Fett man! Can it? Buy the issue and find out how far we’re willing to go with this!
• Be tea dubs, this issue I get one of those fancy laser swords. Boo-ya! Taking bets on how long until my hand gets cut off! $2.99 says this issue!
32 PGs./Rated T+ $2.99

THE DEATH-DENYING DEADPOOL #6 ***Argonauts Assemble Tie-In***
 Plot by EXCITER
 “My Big Fat Greek Siege”
• Previously in Triple D, the Beyonder transported a motley crew to fight it out on Battleworld (not [i]the[/i] Mötley Crüe, though I’d read the #$%^ out of a comic with that premise). After the fightin’ was over, he ended up leaving me, Painkiller Jane, the Zapata Brothers, and Death’s Head stranded until we managed to find a derelict version of what kinda looks like the Millennium Falcon (feel the burn Dark Horse! Marvel’s coming for Buffy next!). Death’s Head got it flying, but since he’s a robot that I believe was programmed by the same guys who did the Obamacare website, he has been totally failing to steer us home.
• NOW! By Jove, he finally got it! Death’s Head managed a splashdown in the Mediterranean, and it’s all sunlit beaches and hot Sambuca for everyone! Well… it would be, if not for the spaceships air-dropping mythological monsters and warrior-dudes with really ripped abs that all seem pretty intent on ousting the locals and occupying Greece (They probably could have just bought it for about €3). Well, me and my crew can’t just stand by and let that happen to the place where democracy and gyros were invented, can we?
• NO! Once more into the breach, dear friends, it’s time to grease these space Spartans! But I’m going to have to contact my personal attorney first since it seems these guys are infringing on my trademarked “regenerative healing factor” – they just won’t die! (It’s like they kidnapped Pluto, god of the underworld, and used his powers to cheat death or something… (Okay, I peeked at the Argonauts Assemble #1 solicitation. Sue me.)). My team is going to need some help…
• Hey! The tides may be turning, because also fighting off these hellions of Troy is none other than Captain America! …’s off-brand counterpart, U.S. Agent! And Century, that weird old guy with a spear that U.S. Agent hangs with! It’s time for a good old fashioned team-up! Wait a minute, with those two additions I just totally finalized my team’s name… It’s the invading Spartans from space and their gang of centaur (those horse’s asses) against the All-New, All-Different FORCE WORKS!!! Oh yeah! Things are about to get messier than the Augean Stables!
• Issue comes with a coupon for a free 5.3oz Chobani Fruit on the Bottom Greek Yogurt Cup! More protein per serving than regular yogurt, and made with milk from cows not treated with artificial growth hormones (but that may or may not actually be Skrulls)!
32 PGs./Rated T+ $2.99

 Plot by EXCITER
 “Low Elf Esteem”
• Last time in D³, your hero and my stalwart companions finally returned to Earth after the Beyonder dined and dashed, leaving us on Battleword. You saw the awesome genesis of FORCE WORKS!... right before I left the planet again on a mission to rescue Mount Olympus (Damsels in distress are a dime a dozen, but I so rarely get to rescue something with true topographic prominence!). Since you’re going to read about that elsewhere (Argonauts Assemble #2, tell ‘em Deadpool sent ya!), I’m making the executive decision to instead regale you with an untold tale surrounding my trip back from Battleworld!
• Death’s Head is a giant robot with no sense of direction (I’m gonna knock him out and install a TomTom in his head, I swear). He’d been flying a salvaged YT-1300 light freighter carrying myself, Painkiller Jane, and the Zapata Brothers, which just broke down on one of the Nine Realms that you may have heard about in those Thor movies. This one’s called Álfheim, but the name is deceptive because that furry, cat-eating scamp Alf is nowhere to be found. Instead, the place is filled with a bunch of “Light Elves” who, judging by the amount of arrows they pointed at me, do not like visitors in the Enchanted Forest!
• They take us to the treehouse of their Elvenking (whose name they told me but who I’m just going to call Ernie Keebler anyway), and it turns out he’ll trade us the spare parts we need if we Midgardian badasses do him a solid. What’s he need help with?
• Orcs! Ugly, barbarous hordes of savage marauders have been encroaching on the Enchanted Forest in numbers previously unheard of! Ernie’s elite gank-squad is preparing a counter-assault on the orcs’ dungeon stronghold, and my team has been hired to join them (suggested track: Three Inches of Blood – “Destroy the Orcs”).
• Some interesting problems arise: The leader of Ernie’s Light Elf Battalion doesn’t exactly like me and might try to get us killed (what a Legol[i]ass[/i], amirite?); the reason he doesn’t like me is because I’ve been flirting hardcore with an elvish babe who may or may not be his betrothed (hey, you know what they say about chicks with long ears, right? … wait a minute, what do they say about chicks with long ears?); and worst of all there are way more orcs than anyone anticipated, leaving us with a tidy little mystery as to where they’re all coming from, which we can solve if we don’t die.
• Odds of survival are 33.3% (repeating, of course), so let’s do this chums! The issue comes with an exclusive code that’ll get you an in-game Dogpool pet for your World of Warcraft Account! (warning: pet will kill your character and steal all your gold).
32 PGs./Rated T+ $2.99

THE DEATH-DENYING DEADPOOL #8 ***Argonauts Assemble Tie-In***
 Plot by EXCITER
Get ready for a fabulous Triple D event tie-in! First a little refresher for those not reading Argonauts Assemble (and if you are not, I’ll personally rip the tags off your mattresses until you do! That’s a federal offense baby, and possession is 9/10ths of the law!): Gaea, a.k.a. Mother F’n Nature herself, needed a team of legendary ass-kickers to travel to a planet occupied by Spartan warriors and mythological monsters. The goal is to recapture Mount Olympus, which the aforementioned warriors and monsters ever-so-heinously mountain-napped. Also, we need to rescue Pluto, who I knew as Mickey Mouse’s dog but who unbeknownst to me is also the god of the underworld and the entity that the Spartans are power-tapping to become unkillable. So Mother Nature needs a team…
Bootleg Avengers Assemble!!! Oh yeah, we’ve got exported characters everywhere: the government-created super soldier (moi!), and not one, but two socially awkward scientists in mechanical suits of armor – Red Ronin and Ghost! Plus we’ve got buttaface Thor, Beta Ray Bill, and another god, the loin-girding Hercules! Murderously hot red-headed chick, Red Sonja, big colorful monster, Devil Dinosaur, and I guess our Hawkeye is this little monkey dude, Moon-Boy (Hey, he’s as least as tall as Jeremy Renner). Dr. Strange, Talisman, and Warrior Woman are here too, but I’m not quite sure what derivative slots they’re trying to fill. Let’s just say Harry Potter, Apache Chief, and Princess Diana. Together we are... the Argonauts!
But like most long-distance relationships, the space between me and these Spartans is a problem. So now I’m riding on the U.S.S. Skuttlebutt with Captain Horseface at the helm, and even warp speed isn’t fast enough to avoid the scourge of the stars… SPACE PIRATES! Avast! These pirates aren’t just planning to hurt me by torrenting this issue instead of giving me a buy, they’re planning to actually physically hurt me and raid our booty! But the alien scallywags picked the wrong ship! It’ll take a hell of a lot more than one pirate vessel to make the Argonauts shiver our timbers… Oh, wait, so there’s a whole fleet of pirate vessels? Uhhh, well then, someone might just need to swab the poop deck… I made a mess! But I’d have done that anyway, and there’s no way we’ll let these buccaneers interfere with our mission – is there? Maybe I can negotiate a parley with their Dread Admiral Steelbeard? Or maybe I’ll make him dance the hempen jig? (That’s pirate talk for hanging him, don’t do drugs kids!). Time to give no quarter, nor even a penny! Buckle your swash and buy this book!
Issue contains a coupon for one 4 oz. bag of Pirate’s Booty Aged White Cheddar Baked Corn and Rice Puffs! Made by pirates, of the terrestrial variety, and approved by the merc with a snack-filled mouth!
32 PGs./Rated T+ $2.99